For NaNoWriMo I have promised myself to write at least one page a day. This is about one third of the total word count required to ‘win’ NaNoWriMo, but as I try to persuade myself, it’s better than nothing.

Here is Day Three’s attempt, bad language warning:

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The end of day. Shutting down so soon now, before I’m ready. The thing is it takes me all day to be ready. I want it to be light outside but it is not; it is densely black and impenetrable. About as impenetrable as this page. I’ve already diverted myself by updating my profile on Twitter, checking Facebook, my email, and sending a query to a place that does LP recordings of short stories (discovered during my dillydallying on twitter). Now I notice that once again Word has assigned the font Cambria to my document. I hate this font. I’ve just diverted to see if I can change the preference, which I’ve done countless times previously. No, I can’t find any way to do this. If anyone knows how, please tell me.

I’m out of sync with the day which as I’ve said has shut down already. I just had my tea. Not tea as in high tea as in the last meal of the day comprising bread and butter, cold cuts, pickles, assorted limp salads and Victoria sponge cake if you are lucky and it’s not the war where perhaps all you’d get is a pasty looking spam sandwich with a scraping of margarine. Now there’s a thought. Would you like a little Make your dick good on sliced white? Or perhaps a wedge of PRAY FOR ME WHILE YOU CONTACT HER FOR YOUR AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD? If that doesn’t make you salivate, perhaps I can interest you in some Feel yourself a master of bed action on brown toast? No? A small spoon of Best p-i-l-l-s here? Just in case you were wondering, ’spam’ is a canned meat product. I have never eaten any and don’t plan to. My tea was a small cup of Ceylon with a croissant. I worried that I’d spoil my appetite, having this treat so late in the day, the curtains drawn against the already accumulating night humors. I was a little uncertain of my use of the word ‘humors’ so of course it required a little trip to google. It seems that the night does not have humors but the body does. Four, to be exact. Yellow bile, black bile, phlegm and blood. Apparently these humors correspond to the four elements of air, water, earth and fire. Too much earth makes one melancholic; too much air, sanguine; too much fire, choleric; and too much water, phlegmatic.

I’m studying the list.

I’m familiar with melancholic of course, but I’m not sure what sanguine means. Or choleric. Or phlegmatic, but I suspect I’m all four. What to do? The “prudent Hippocratic physician”, I discover, would prescribe a regimen of diet, activity, and exercise, designed to “void the body of the imbalanced humor.” I tried to find out more, but it appears I have no internet connection. Perhaps this is a symptom of one of my imbalanced humors- and I’m sure they all are imbalanced. Well, I’ve just been on the telephone to report my lack of internet connection, which of course miraculously fixed itself during the phone call. I’ve now scrolled up and am astonished to see that I have duly completed my page for today. Shall I continue? Are you bored yet? I’ve not even started on this humor business. I still think the night has them. Voiding sounds interesting, doesn’t it? I like a good purge. Did I ever tell you about the time I embarked on a course of colonics?